


The Lonely Soldier

by cordeliadelayne



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Unhappiness, slight physical violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-27
Updated: 2015-09-27
Packaged: 2018-04-23 13:23:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4878502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cordeliadelayne/pseuds/cordeliadelayne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It can take a long time to find someone to share a life with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to Livejournal in 2005.

Snape and Lupin sat huddled in bed, arms wrapped around each other. Neither could quite believe where they were.

Lupin smiled to himself and softly kissed Snape on the top of his head, ignoring the greasy feeling against his chin. At least he was with someone who wanted him.

Snape turned up to him, eyes shuttered. Lupin looked so…liked he’d wanted a chocolate cake and been given an apple. A sour one at that. Snape turned away then, aware that his emotions were skittering to the surface. _He would not cry._

But he’d been so happy last night, for the first time since…since his mother was alive. He wanted to be with Lu…Remus. He wanted to be with Remus, had enjoyed last night, limbs entangled, a vaguely familiar heat in his belly. But when Lupin had called out Sirius’ name he thought his heart would break and he certainly wasn’t going to tell Remus what he had said. _Always fated to be second best._

Lupin was aware of Snape stiffening in his grasp and realised what that meant – the illusion was over. He would let the other man go and find someone else to fill the gap. If only he could find someone who loved him like Sirius did, would he be happier then?

Snape turned around, mouth ready with an inventive put-down, but he couldn’t do it. _Must be all this time spent with Gryffindors._ And so he said the one thing that would guarantee Lupin leaving the bed.

“You called out Black’s name last night.”

Lupin was ready to push Snape away from him but was stopped by the agony he heard in Snape’s voice, though he had tried to disguise it with a sneer. It wasn’t just the usual way he spoke Sirius’s name, there was a hint of jealousy there and…anguish. _Oh, God._

“I hadn’t realised. I’m sorry.”

Snape shook his head and started to get up, not wanting to deal with this, any of this right now. He needed to get away, back to the dungeons where it was cool and his heart was safe. What ever made him think he could compete with Sirius Black?

“I am sorry,” Remus repeated, holding on to Severus’ arm as if it were a lifeline. The room started to sway and Remus held on even tighter. “I didn’t think you liked me.”

Severus halted his attempt to wrench his arms away. “Why would you think that?”

“Because you hate me?”

“I don’t hate you…I…I am afraid.”

“Of me? But…”

“Not just you but how you make me feel. I can’t, I have never, it…” He stopped, frustrated that now the command of language which he had savoured for so long was slipping away. “I have never been able to follow my heart; my stupid, arrogant brain has always chosen to lead me astray. I don’t deserve good things happening to me. They always go wrong, so why hope? I like, enjoy, being on my own.”

“Then why did you come to my rooms last night?” Remus asked, cursing how timid his voice sounded.

“The Headmaster told me to see that you were all right.”

“Oh.”

“He didn’t do it just for you. He thought I could do with some…comfort.”

“Albus Dumbledore, the greatest Pimp of his age?” Remus joked.

Snape’s jaw ached as he tried to return the smile.

“Severus, sit back down.” Snape complied awkwardly.

“…I didn’t mean to…”

“Kiss me?” Lupin asked, licking his lips, remembering the taste of dried tea leaves and bitter whisky. Snape hung his head. He was getting too old for this.

“I merely wanted to give you fair warning that I would be going away for some time and that the Wolfsbane shall be delivered by owl.” And there it was, the old Snape back, his expression closed, his body tense, his eyes refusing to meet Lupin's.

“Going where?”

“The Headmaster believes my position here has become untenable. I am to leave for a secret location in the next few hours.”

“Leave?”

“Really Lupin do you have to repeat everything I say?” Snape furiously got up, belatedly realising that his trousers and shirt were still on the floor where they had been thrown in their fit of passion. Lupin blinked. _So, this was how it was going to be._

“Goddamit Severus, I’m trying to…”

“I don’t need you to do anything! Why don’t you go back to mourning for your Mutt.”

Neither of them expected the blow, least of all Lupin who stared in astonishment at the hand with which he’d struck the Potions Master clear across the face. His palm stung.

Snape whirled around and began getting dressed, tears stinging his eyes. All he had wanted was one night of forgetting who he was.

“I am…”

“If you say you’re sorry I’ll hit you myself.”

“No you wouldn’t.”

Snape didn’t argue the point, instead rummaging under the bed looking for his wand.

“You put it under the pillow.”

Snape reached over and grabbed it and stuck it back into his pocket. They stood staring at each other for a moment.

“I shall have to go.”

“Where are you…?”

“Best you don’t know.”

“Right.” Snape turned around and began leaving the room. Lupin didn’t know whether he wanted to grab him and not let him go or push him further out into the cold. So he did nothing, watching as the other man strode out of his life.

“No,” he snapped, suddenly jumping to a decision, “I will not lose someone else,” and he hurried out of the corridor after the dark haired man. But he was nowhere to be seen. Instead, leaning casually against the far wall, was Dumbledore.

“Headmaster, I didn’t see you there,” Lupin said.

“I thought perhaps you would be in need of this.”

Lupin looked down at the Headmasters hand and saw that he was holding a small black knight. Smiling gratefully Lupin took the portkey and gasped at the familiar pull as he was taken on an adventure to rival any the Marauder's had planned.


	2. Two's A Crowd

Lupin looked around the empty room, noting the lack of furniture, the piles of dust, the grimy windows. He wondered if something had gone wrong with the portkey, then realised that of course Severus hadn’t had time to arrive yet, then that there could be a glamour on the room, then that Severus might not be here for many hours, then that he was making himself dizzy and needed to sit down, only realising that there were no seats until he found himself flat on his back with an aching coccyx. 

Staring up at the ceiling he noted the rather large spider darting along its web and wondered how many other creatures lay in the recesses of this house. His reverie was broken by a deep bass laugh that sent shivers down his spine. Kingsley. 

“I hadn’t realised you had an appointment,” Snape’s voice descended from somewhere to the right. 

“Dumbledore…”

“Ah,” he replied, as if that made sense, which it probably did. 

“Come here,” Kingsley snickered, lifting Lupin up as if he weighed nothing and brushing down his jacket. “You could have come through the front door, it’s warded to let Order members through.”

“Dumbledore…”

“Ah.”

“Now that you’re here you can help remove the glamour on the house,” Snape interrupted. 

“Right. Okay. Where shall I start?”

“You do in here, I will do the kitchen, Shacklebolt, the dining room. We shall work our way up to the attic.” Without even looking back to see that they were ready he disappeared into the kitchen. Kingsley smiled a predatory smile at Lupin. 

“So…last night….rumour has it you and Snape…?”

“How could you possibly know that?” Lupin asked, aware he was blushing furiously. 

“I didn’t…till just now.” He winked at the other man and disappeared into the dining room. 

“Idiot,” muttered Lupin to himself, so annoyed that it took him much longer than normal to remove the glamour and by the time he had finished he could already hear Snape stomping up the stairs. Realising that Snape would be done before he could get up there he decided to have a more thorough look around. The previous glamour had done its job splendidly. He could hardly believe that when he walked in all this had been hidden. 

It was a simple, comfortable room, not the sort of place he would have ordinarily associated with the prickly Potions Master. Plain sofas were arranged around a roaring fire, a small drinks cabinet in the corner held an assortment of liquors while there was a chess set and a card table arranged against the further wall. A deep burgundy carpet matched the long curtains perfectly and the view outside the windows, of rolling hills and trees for miles and miles was breathtaking. This could be a real home for somebody.

“Wishful thinking?” Kingsley asked, slipping behind the werewolf. Lupin froze, running his last thoughts through his head, wondering if he had spoken them aloud. He could feel Kingsley’s smile as he planted a kiss on his neck, his hot breath sending butterflies to his stomach. He tried to keep his head – Kingsley was one of a long list of men with whom he’d tried to forget to remember Sirius, but it was still Snape’s voice in the back of his mind, calling to him. 

There was a slight creak of floorboard and when Lupin turned round he saw only the flicker of Snape’s cloak as he left the room – God knows how long he had been standing there. Kingsley stepped back, noting with interest the frown on the other man’s face. “Go after him.” Lupin hesitated. “For God’s sake, did you come here for him or not? Go.” Kingsley pushed Lupin in the direction Snape had headed. 

Warily Lupin followed the sounds of glasses being dumped, not too lightly, onto wood. He stopped in the doorway of what was obviously intended to be Snape’s laboratory, jars of foul looking...things…already positioned on the shelves and a fire already lit under a large silver cauldron. Snape hunched his shoulders as he heard the other man approach but didn’t speak. 

“Kingsley…” Lupin paused as he heard the front door close.

“Not going to join him?” Snape spat. 

“No.”

“I don’t need you here.”

“I think you do.”

Snape turned on him then, lips in a dangerously thin line, his eyes nothing but slits of black. “Get out.”

“Severus...”

“Get out, now!”

Lupin moved forward as Snape did, until they found themselves toe to toe. Snape had his wand pointed at Lupin’s chest before Lupin realised his own wand was tangled in the folds of his robe. 

“Why Dumbledore allowed a pathetic specimen like you to teach…” Snape’s bitter words were swallowed as Lupin launched himself at the other man, knocking Snape’s wand to the floor, and pushing Snape up against the nearest wall, his tongue darting defiantly between Snape's sharp teeth. Moments passed as he fought off the werewolf before Snape slumped, defeated, against the wall, his arms still held up to Lupin’s shoulders, not pushing him away anymore, but merely holding him in place. 

“I’m sorry.”

“We’ve had this conversation.”

Snape slumped his head down onto Lupin’s shoulder and Lupin wrapped his arms around the other man’s waist. 

“Dumbledore has a lot to answer for.”

“He usually does,” Snape replied. 

“Where’s the bedroom?”

“Do you have some sort of Death Wish or is this the Legendary Werewolf Libido talking?”

“That’s a myth. Along with turning back into a human if I’m injured in wolf form, and eating little girls on their way to Grandmother’s house.”

Snape snorted. “What are you doing here?” he asked, pushing Lupin away from him some more.

“I don’t want to lose someone else. No, I _can’t_ lose someone else. I loved Sirius so much and you’re the only one since him who I’ve been myself with, who I can…”

“Spare me the Gryddindorisms. I don’t want to hear about Sirius bloody Black. He was a fool who got himself killed and managed to put the entire Order in danger.”

“He loved me when no one else could.”

Snape stared at Lupin. “I could,” he said, very quietly, “and I did.” 

“You…?”

“So don’t stand there and tell me what it’s like not to be loved, when you have been nothing _but_ loved for your entire miserable existence.” Snape’s voice was low and tremulous, and Lupin realised now why Dumbledore allowed Snape to act in his classroom the way he did; it wasn’t when Snape was emotional and shouting that you had to worry, but when his voice was as cutting and quiet as it was now. 

Lupin took an involuntarily step back and allowed Snape to continue unpacking his cases. Neither of them said anything and Lupin looked towards the door, wondering if he should make his escape. Then he took a deep fortifying breath and straightened his spine. 

“I’m not going anywhere, Severus. I’m not a Gryffindor for nothing. I may not have stood up to my friends, but then, we’re not friends, are we?”

Snape’s fingers rested on a vial of blue-green liquid. “No, we’re not.”

“We don’t have to be.”

“What do you want from me?”

“Just you.”

Snape released his grip on the vial and turned to face Lupin, his mind grazing over the other man's. He took one step forward, and then another. Lupin took the last step and leaned up to kiss Snape chastely on the cheek, his hand finding one of Snape’s and squeezing tightly. Snape’s eyes slid closed and he rested his forehead against Lupin’s, not trying to hide the way he took in Lupin’s scent, how their breathing became as one. 

It wasn’t a declaration by any means, but it was a start.


End file.
